The Panic in Me
by Eirian
Summary: It's a songfic, and it's from our favorite Saiya-jin Prince's POV. Introspective. SLIGHT shounen-ai warning.


Disclaimer: The characters in this work of fiction (as obscure as they may be) do not belong to me. They are copyright of Toriyama Akira, and anyone he has allowed to play with them. I'm only borrowing them, I'll try not to damage them TOO much...  
  
2nd Disclaimer: The song "The Panic in Me" is from the Motion Picture "The Road to El Dorado" soundtrack, copyright Dreamworks films (NOT DISNEY!!!), and sung by Sir Elton John.  
  
WARNING!!! This is a 'fic that contains shounen-ai, that means two guys together, as in a couple. It's very mild, but in one spot rather obvious. Don't READ it if you don't LIKE it, okay! Don't flame me, I only react to constructive criticism.  
  
This is my first songfic, and, like most of my stories, it's not finished. ^_^;; I couldn't think of anything else to write, so I just used the first verse, chorus, and second verse. Basically, all that's left is to repeat the second verse and the chorus again anyway, soooo... Well, I put all the lyrics to the song at the bottom if anyone wants them.  
  
I don't know why exactly I chose this song... it just seemed to fit how I thought Vegeta would feel...well, it says it all in the 'fic. I've always loved the soundtrack for El Dorado (I'm a big cartoon movie fan as well as anime, what can I say? I'm a kid at heart!) Okay, enough, go read the fic! And C&C!! It's what I live off of!  
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//Often these days//  
//And always these nights//  
//I find I'm afraid//  
//Of the turbulent heights//  
  
My heart is pounding as noisily as a teenager with a new drum set. My breathing is quick and heavy, and my brow is covered in sweat. Once again, I have had a nightmare. I can't remember it, for even now it is slipping further into the dark recesses of my subconscious, and I thank god for that. Even if I cannot remember it, it has still left me with the impression that I do not want to remember. It could have been filled with pink bunnies and flying pigs for all I know, but it's effect on me is one that I do not wish to have again. It has scared me, as only few things ever have. I am not one to be frightened--I am the one who should frighten others.  
  
//No matter how crazily//  
//No matter how far//  
//The moments of tenderness//  
//Are those where you are//  
  
I glance over at you in bed, glad that I did not awaken you. You can sleep through a nuclear disaster, snoring to wake the dead, and yet... and yet whenever I have a truly horrible nightmare, one even worse than this, where I wake shaking and sometimes my eyes watering--I DO NOT cry!--,you are always awake as well, waiting patiently for me to tell you what's wrong. Usually I tell you to go to hell, but... sometimes I let you hold me, and I do tell you about my dreams. My hideous dreams of a past better left forgotten.  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
//For when you are laughing//  
//Like silver, like rain//  
  
"What's that smell?" I glance over my shoulder as you walk into the room. "What do you think it is, baka? I'm cooking!" I watch in irritation as your eyebrows shoot up into your hairline and your eyes widen. "Vegeta! I didn't know you could cook!"  
  
I growl as I turn back to the soup I'm preparing and growl my answer quietly. Unfortunately, not quietly enough for you. You burst out laughing. "You CAN'T!? Then why are you even trying?"  
  
I ignore the little sting in my chest at your words. I know you aren't mocking me as others would--and have--but it hurts all the same. "Why shouldn't I try? You do all the cooking, and make it look easy--I should kill you for that. I thought..." my voice drops down to a whisper as I admit, "I thought I'd give it a try, to give you a break."  
  
Suddenly, your arms are around me, your nose nuzzling behind my ear affectionately. You laugh low in your throat as you reply, "Aww, Vegeta, that's very nice. But I don't mind cooking for the both of us. I like doing it, actually." You laugh again, for the sheer fun of it, I suppose, pulling me against you in a strangely content hug. I feel your chest vibrating as you laugh, and begin to smile myself. Your laugh is so innocent, it seems to outweigh my worldliness, and I regress to a more peaceful form of myself. That is what always happens when I am around you, it seems.  
  
//You cool me, you soothe me//  
//And love me again//  
  
I lean into your touch, suddenly twisting in your arms and pressing my lips to yours. Lunch is momentarily forgotten as we become involved with each other, letting everything else melt away, leaving only us, only this.  
  
//For a few perfect hours//  
//The world lets me be//  
  
"What do you mean, accident?!" I cry into the telephone. I listen as his stupid secretary tells me about building codes and architectural structures, finally crying out, "What about my son?!" A few moments later I am slamming the phone on the hook and grabbing my leather jacket--the only real article of clothing I have become particularly attached to--and heading briskly for the front door.  
  
"Vegeta? What's wrong?" You ask innocently. I wonder briefly why you weren't eavesdropping on my telephone conversation like any normal person would--then I realize that you are not any normal person. "Trunks," I say, damning my constricting throat muscles, "he was in an accident at his office. He's in the hospital."  
  
"He was hurt?" I glare at you for your stupidity, telling myself it's only stress that makes me hostile toward you. "Yes, baka!" You manage to contain all but a minor flinch at my harsh words, and immediately I am sorry. But of course I cannot tell you this outright, so instead I sigh and wait at the door. "Are you coming?" I ask softly, squelching my impatience--I want to get to my son!  
  
You nod, following me out the door. We reach the hospital in record time, and have only minor problems finding his room. Seated with him already is Goten. They call the boy before his own father! He nods to each of us, standing up. "Dad, Vegeta." He looks back at my son with sad eyes.  
  
"It's not as if he's going to die," I say brusquely, hating myself for my rough demeanor. I think I am telling myself this more than them, since I feel on the verge of... of some emotional outburst. You must sense this, for you place your hand gently on my shoulder. You are once again my friend, as you have been all these years. "You're right, Vegeta," you say in that calm voice that disproves what everyone once thought about you being slow or stupid. You understand just what I need--a calm, reassuring voice to set me at ease. "He's lived through worse than this--it was only a building falling on him."  
  
I nod, leaning slightly into your hand. Yes, that is what I needed to hear.  
  
//You know how to calm down//  
//The panic in me//  
  
//Once in a while//  
//I slip back to my past//  
//Where I long to remain//  
  
Sometimes, I am not plagued by nightmares, but by memories. Memories of blue hair and blue eyes, looking up and laughing happily at me. I remember how happy I was with her, and how unready I was for when she left me. I should have realized that she would die well before I did, but...it didn't seem to matter. I would rather have been with her for a short time than to never have known what it was to be with her at all. I regret all the fights we got into, but even when we were sulking by ourselves, I still had her with me, I could still look at her, reach out and touch her. Now... my arms sometimes ache to hold her, and run my fingers through her silky hair.  
  
And then I remember that she is dead, buried in the ground like so many others I knew. We continue to live, seemingly without aging, while those around us--those I call allies, if not friends--are giving in to the natural inclination of death.  
  
//But the dream does not last//  
//In the trials of the present//  
//No matter how low//  
  
"Bulma!" I reach out, trying to grab her even as she sinks away into the darkness, away from me. Again I am quivering, but this dream will not give me the satisfaction of disolving into the recesses of my mind--because this was real. She was real; She really did leave me; I really couldn't hold on to her, no matter how strong I was. All my hard work, all my training to be the most powerful on the planet, and I couldn't even hold on to the one thing that was most precious to me.  
  
I feel your arms wrap around my waist and your head being laid on my shoulder - I almost push you away. But I remember that you also know what it is like to lose your loved one. You also know the curse of our race. And to push you away would only hurt you, and I can never do that--not anymore.  
  
You begin a gentle rocking motion, and I allow my body to sway with yours. You begin to rub my back and say in a crooning voice, "Sh, Vegeta. It's all right. Vegeta." You repeat my name over and over, and I can hear the sadness in your voice. I begin to wonder who is comforting whom, because you have a slight deathgrip on my ribcage. I endure it, however, and wrap my arms around you as well. I lay back down and you curl up against me, still holding me but not as tightly. I feel the warmth of your body as well as your heart as I drift back to sleep. I am glad you are with me.  
  
//You bring me such peace//  
//And you won't let me go//  
  
Owari  
=====================================================================================  
  
  
Often these days  
And always these nights  
I find I'm afraid  
Of the turbulent heights  
No matter how crazily  
No matter how far  
The moments of tenderness  
Are those where you are  
  
[CHORUS]  
For when you are laughing  
Like silver like rain  
You cool me you soothe me  
And love me again  
For a few perfect hours  
The world lets me be  
You know how to calm down  
The panic in me  
  
Once in a while  
I slip back to my past  
Where I long to remain  
But the dream does not last  
In the trials of hte present  
No matter how low  
You bring me such peace  
And you won't let me go  
  
[CHORUS]  
For when you are laughing  
Like silver like rain  
You cool me you soothe me  
And love me again  
For a few perfect hours  
The world lets me be  
You know how to break down  
The panic in me  
  
In the trials of the present  
No matter how low  
You bring me such peace  
And you won't let me go  
Oh, don't let me go  
  
[CHORUS]  
For when you are laughing  
Like silver like rain  
You cool me you soothe me  
And love me again  
For a few perfect hours  
The world lets me be  
You know how to break down  
The panic in me 


End file.
